Not quilty, but funny

Received this today and I just had to share.  Hope you get a chuckle out of it.

Hello -- I  have questions!

  

                         
Why  isn't the number 11 pronounced  onety-one?

           

 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys  it?
               

  Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't  they just stale bread to begin with?
                      
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called  Holes?

 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
                   
 Why is  a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
         
If it's true that we are here to help  others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen  defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians  can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners  depressed?

       
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
                                            
What  hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald  men?
                       
I  thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
               
Why do  they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
                        
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
                        
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
                       
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
******

Why,  Why, Why do we press  harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when  someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Do you  ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first  place?

And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one  out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental  illness. Think of your three best friends.

If they're OK..? (then it's  you!)

~

REMEMBER, A day without  a smile is like a day without  sunshine!
                   
 And a  day without sunshine is,  like...........night!!!!

Now, stop laughing long enough to forward this onto somebody else who could also use a good chuckle!!